When you first think of a bear, the image that probably first comes to your mind is an effeminate tubby gay man with a beard, and in a rainbow-coloured thong twerking to Nicki Minaj, but while that disturbing vision lingers in your head, most rational people presumably would think of a big grizzly bear, that could turn you into a carcass as fast as you can say… vegan.
Another thought that may pop up into your deep subconscious when you first think of a bear, is the erotic sight of Vladimir Putin shirtless and riding atop of a mammoth bear, with all the homoeroticism of a bad 1970’s gay porn film.
But when he’s not allegedly meddling in foreign affairs, President Putin does have a fondness for big hairy animals. In fact, there has long been rumours that Putin actually likes to tame and ride bears in the Ural Mountains during his spare time, in between rigging American elections (of course) and leading an indestructible army of Russian bots to global annihilation.
He is a very busy man, but whilst the Russian President may be the very definition of masculinity, one thing that he is not, is invincible, especially to a homicidal bear that wants to maul him. So, one tends to wonder whether this legendary bear fable is just another tall tale, more fake news or just another factual event in the life of Vladimir Putin. Let’s find out, shall we?
Since that is exactly the situation we must now ponder, when Alexei Dyumin, a former personal bodyguard to the Russian President, on duty protecting Putin when he suddenly encountered a bear standing at the glass door of the presidential residence where the President was sleeping.
“We looked each other in the eyes, he stepped back a bit. I opened the door and unloaded the entire cartridge of my pistol under his legs,” he said.
“I felt pity for the bear.”
Faced with the prospect of dealing with a blood thirsty Russian, the bear retreated back into the wilderness, no doubt with his tail in between his legs.
Waking up the next day, Putin was almost unaware that he could have been moments away from being bear cuisine, but praised his heroic bodyguard for his bravery in saving him from a total bear-grilling or in this case, becoming a grizzly bear’s dinner. What a story!
In an interview with NBC, President Putin was asked what he thought about the topless pictures of him while he was on vacation and the rumours of him riding bears.
“I’m relaxing. There are many photos of me at work, but no one cares about them. I’ve seen the pictures of me riding a bear, but I never did it. But such images do exist,” Putin replied.
Bare chested and riding bears, can the Russian President get any more rugged and virile? And, as grizzly as those thoughts truly are, you must choose wisely since neither bare any resemblance in the wilderness of the animal kingdom.
President Putin is truly a paradox given the media coverage that he’s been given, and one doesn’t quite know, what all these legends and perhaps even tall tales really mean?
He is sure to have as many admirers as he does have reported foes, so it’s really very hard to know. However, the part of the bear trying to sneak into his residence at night, is absolutely true, so there you go! You just never know.
Let us know in the comments section below, if you would rather ride with a booty popping limp-wristed bear, or the kind of bear that Vladimir Putin would keep as a pet inside the Kremlin.
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Source: LOLWOT